I read a blog entry last night which I could relate to completely; it's also relevent to my ramblings today so I'll add a link to it as well:
Abberation of Desire; Why I like porn with chubby bodies in it.
J xx
Monday, 1 February 2010
A question from my formspring.me account...
This is relevant I feel to today's thoughts, so I will add it here:
What was the first time you really felt yourself let go during sex and knew what you had been missing?
This isn't going to be a straight-forward answer I'm afraid, but please bear with me.
It is hard for me to pin-point any one exact time as my early sexual experiences were actually pretty good as they go. I was ready for it my first time and with someone I was able to let go totally with, it happened very naturally. I was quite young to be honest, just 15.
If anything, there have been times over the years when I have had to re-learn how to let go. I've far more hang-ups and insecurities now, than I did when I was less experienced.
I think one huge turning point was when I realised my submissive side and embraced it. That was a real eye opener which took sex to another level for me.
The final major example I can think of was when I first met my other half. He affects me in a way I can't find words for, but along with my first time as a subby, would probably be what you are asking about.
I think those have been the two main turning points in my sexual life.
Jennifer x
It is hard for me to pin-point any one exact time as my early sexual experiences were actually pretty good as they go. I was ready for it my first time and with someone I was able to let go totally with, it happened very naturally. I was quite young to be honest, just 15.
If anything, there have been times over the years when I have had to re-learn how to let go. I've far more hang-ups and insecurities now, than I did when I was less experienced.
I think one huge turning point was when I realised my submissive side and embraced it. That was a real eye opener which took sex to another level for me.
The final major example I can think of was when I first met my other half. He affects me in a way I can't find words for, but along with my first time as a subby, would probably be what you are asking about.
I think those have been the two main turning points in my sexual life.
Jennifer x
Tell Me Why!?!?!? (I don't like Mondays...)
Morning campers!
Today's thoughts...
Woke up this morning, all dressed up with nowhere to go, or erm, cum, as it were. (last nights plans, didn't go... well, to plan...) I lay there feeling sorry for myself and a bit silly, still in the stockings and
baby-doll I'd worn the last night. Not too worry, thought I, reaching for the drawers of goodies beneath my bed.
Now I've never subscribed to masturbation guilt before, nor have I ever really got that supposed lonely feeling afterwards. That is, until this morning. I could roll out some cliches now about how a vibrator can't cuddle you after, or a dildo wont tell you it loves you, but that's all bollocks frankly. That is not their purpose. Their job is to bring sexual pleasure and used correctly they do this extremely well. It's just that today there was something missing. A vibe can't hold me down and keep licking me even after I cum and I'm all oversensitive, until I cum all over again. A dildo wont place a hand over my mouth when it just knows I'm going to scream. Nor will it lose it with me, slamming hard into me, stretching me while muttering filth and swearing under in it's breath in my ear. It wont look at me that way while still light headed and breathless.
It was the first time a toy didn't satisfy me at all, even a bit. Yes, I came, but that made no difference. I needed more, I needed to be with someone, I needed Him. One of the most satisfying aspects of sex for me is the 'feedback' as it were - the responses from the other person. Seeing D letting go and losing it is the single most erotic thing in my life. If that happens, but I didn't cum, it would be a better, more satisfying experience than if I came, but he didn't , or I came alone. I love my man to come in my mouth, or over me, I love watching him get off. If I don't come, it's OK, there is always next time (though, being lucky old me, this is a rarity ;p)
And yet, I have a large selection of toys, which I use all the time perfectly happily, so why the let down now?
I believe it's because lately, there has been a gear shift in my sex life. Whereas the toys were once a fab addition to a fantastic sex life, or a stop-gap between lovers, lately they are playing a bigger role than my lover. And that, is the rub - if you'll excuse the expression.
Now it is not that the sex isn't amazing - it is, when it happens. Also, despite a decline lately there is still enough of it. Something has gone awry though, which is hard to put my finger on, but leads me well into my next rant/pondering/brain fart....
In confidence.
My sexuality is not straight forward (who's is?). I am for the most part a very submissive person in bed, yet I have strong dominant streak which seems to randomly flare up from time to time.
I don't like to attach a label to myself, while I suppose I would be labelled bi, I always knew I'd spend my life with a man. Maybe this is because I am very maternal and want (and now have) a family, or maybe it is more than that, yet I know I will always miss being with a woman. This highlights another complexity in me. I have always been open to the idea of others involved in my relationships, a was involved in that some years ago. Whether on a casual or more long term basis. My ex partner felt differently and I respected that. Now I am with someone who has also considered these things and wouldn't you know it? I have become insanely jealous at even the thought of it.
I take pride in my independence. I hate to appear needy and need to know I can cope alone if and when I need to - it helps me sleep at night and gives me a feeling of self-worth. Yet I crave the security I feel when I am around D. He makes me feel safe and brings out my vulnerable side, both in the bedroom and in our everyday lives.
I have all manner of filthy little things going through my mind at any given time. I also feel totally at ease with D, so why is it, I freeze up these days when it comes to initiating anything or asking for what I want?
Why do I feel so damned sexy one second, then the next so repulsive just want to hide under a blanket and cry?
Now, there are some issues in our relationship which go some way in explaining, but those are not for me talk about here, it's between us, I'm sure you'll respect that. However, they don't go all the way to explaining what's going on with me at the moment.
I have been feeling unattractive and boring for while now, and assumed any cooling off between D and I to be because of this - the weight gain, my tiredness etc. I assumed my lack of confidence / shyness had made me dull and boring to him. Maybe to some extent that is true. We're both only human after all.
However, D did say something to me that I have given a lot of thought to. He feels the same way as me. He feels he has lost his confidence. This, initially surprised me, although with hindsight (20/20 as always) I can see how his behaviour is not all that different from my own.
So now I have a chicken and egg question to figure out. Did my loss of confidence and ability to express how much I want him cause this? Or was it the other way round. Was it a mutual thing brought on my other issues in our lives or merely coincidence?
Another thing to consider is this: We are all responsible for our own confidence and reactions. The theory goes;
Now, all good and well in theory but we're dealing with human emotions here. For many of us it is extremely difficult not shake off those negative comments people make or our assumptions about the negative ways people see us (often all in our heads).
I find it difficult to separate sex and emotions. I'm not just talking about love, jealousy and security. Even people who are quite happily having casual sex with no NSA often have a emotional response - they may feel attractive because of their lifestyle. They may feel fear at the thought of settling down. Some may actually feel lonely deep down and are using sex to pacify these feelings. There are hundreds of other feelings involved. All are an emotional response and most of us (maybe not all, but most I'd guess) have them.
So, it is very possible that we have both felt a little low on confidence lately (as most of us do from time to time) and somehow we have been caught in a circle of 'feedback' as it were. I want him; I'm too shy to show it. He thinks I'm not interested, his confidence takes another knock. He's more distant, I become more convinced I'm boring and this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, and so the circle continues.
Or maybe I'm talking bollocks, but one thing is for sure; I had no idea he was feeling the way he is, even though it seemed so obvious once he told me. I've no doubt, he thought the same about me.
Maybe there, I have found the answer - the old chestnut; communication.
I think that's where we'll begin, I hope so anyway. I miss D, and how we were, but I have every faith in us and I'm sure we can fix this.
I'm not sure why I blogged all that, with no real point but it was cathartic and helped me organised the jumble of thoughts in my head. If you got this far, congratulations and thank you.
*****
This brain-fart was brought to you by Jennifer xx
See you next time x
Today's thoughts...
Woke up this morning, all dressed up with nowhere to go, or erm, cum, as it were. (last nights plans, didn't go... well, to plan...) I lay there feeling sorry for myself and a bit silly, still in the stockings and
baby-doll I'd worn the last night. Not too worry, thought I, reaching for the drawers of goodies beneath my bed.
Now I've never subscribed to masturbation guilt before, nor have I ever really got that supposed lonely feeling afterwards. That is, until this morning. I could roll out some cliches now about how a vibrator can't cuddle you after, or a dildo wont tell you it loves you, but that's all bollocks frankly. That is not their purpose. Their job is to bring sexual pleasure and used correctly they do this extremely well. It's just that today there was something missing. A vibe can't hold me down and keep licking me even after I cum and I'm all oversensitive, until I cum all over again. A dildo wont place a hand over my mouth when it just knows I'm going to scream. Nor will it lose it with me, slamming hard into me, stretching me while muttering filth and swearing under in it's breath in my ear. It wont look at me that way while still light headed and breathless.
It was the first time a toy didn't satisfy me at all, even a bit. Yes, I came, but that made no difference. I needed more, I needed to be with someone, I needed Him. One of the most satisfying aspects of sex for me is the 'feedback' as it were - the responses from the other person. Seeing D letting go and losing it is the single most erotic thing in my life. If that happens, but I didn't cum, it would be a better, more satisfying experience than if I came, but he didn't , or I came alone. I love my man to come in my mouth, or over me, I love watching him get off. If I don't come, it's OK, there is always next time (though, being lucky old me, this is a rarity ;p)
And yet, I have a large selection of toys, which I use all the time perfectly happily, so why the let down now?
I believe it's because lately, there has been a gear shift in my sex life. Whereas the toys were once a fab addition to a fantastic sex life, or a stop-gap between lovers, lately they are playing a bigger role than my lover. And that, is the rub - if you'll excuse the expression.
Now it is not that the sex isn't amazing - it is, when it happens. Also, despite a decline lately there is still enough of it. Something has gone awry though, which is hard to put my finger on, but leads me well into my next rant/pondering/brain fart....
In confidence.
Con-fi-dence [kon-fi-duhns]
-noun
1. Belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities; self-confidence;self-reliance; assurance: His lack of confidence defeated him.
2. In confidence, as a secret or private matter, not to be divulged or communicated to others; with belief in a person's sense of discretion: I told him in confidence.
I have lost my mojo. There I said it. While never 100% happy in my body and hardly a screaming extrovert, I have also been comfortable in my sexuality. Now I'm not really sure what has happened, but I have lost that. I couldn't even really say when it happened, it just slipped away.
My sexuality is not straight forward (who's is?). I am for the most part a very submissive person in bed, yet I have strong dominant streak which seems to randomly flare up from time to time.
I don't like to attach a label to myself, while I suppose I would be labelled bi, I always knew I'd spend my life with a man. Maybe this is because I am very maternal and want (and now have) a family, or maybe it is more than that, yet I know I will always miss being with a woman. This highlights another complexity in me. I have always been open to the idea of others involved in my relationships, a was involved in that some years ago. Whether on a casual or more long term basis. My ex partner felt differently and I respected that. Now I am with someone who has also considered these things and wouldn't you know it? I have become insanely jealous at even the thought of it.
I take pride in my independence. I hate to appear needy and need to know I can cope alone if and when I need to - it helps me sleep at night and gives me a feeling of self-worth. Yet I crave the security I feel when I am around D. He makes me feel safe and brings out my vulnerable side, both in the bedroom and in our everyday lives.
I have all manner of filthy little things going through my mind at any given time. I also feel totally at ease with D, so why is it, I freeze up these days when it comes to initiating anything or asking for what I want?
Why do I feel so damned sexy one second, then the next so repulsive just want to hide under a blanket and cry?
Now, there are some issues in our relationship which go some way in explaining, but those are not for me talk about here, it's between us, I'm sure you'll respect that. However, they don't go all the way to explaining what's going on with me at the moment.
I have been feeling unattractive and boring for while now, and assumed any cooling off between D and I to be because of this - the weight gain, my tiredness etc. I assumed my lack of confidence / shyness had made me dull and boring to him. Maybe to some extent that is true. We're both only human after all.
However, D did say something to me that I have given a lot of thought to. He feels the same way as me. He feels he has lost his confidence. This, initially surprised me, although with hindsight (20/20 as always) I can see how his behaviour is not all that different from my own.
So now I have a chicken and egg question to figure out. Did my loss of confidence and ability to express how much I want him cause this? Or was it the other way round. Was it a mutual thing brought on my other issues in our lives or merely coincidence?
Another thing to consider is this: We are all responsible for our own confidence and reactions. The theory goes;
'No-one can make you feel inferior /un-sexy / boring (whatever) without your consent. They may act or talk a certain way, but you have the power to reject those suggestions. '
Now, all good and well in theory but we're dealing with human emotions here. For many of us it is extremely difficult not shake off those negative comments people make or our assumptions about the negative ways people see us (often all in our heads).
I find it difficult to separate sex and emotions. I'm not just talking about love, jealousy and security. Even people who are quite happily having casual sex with no NSA often have a emotional response - they may feel attractive because of their lifestyle. They may feel fear at the thought of settling down. Some may actually feel lonely deep down and are using sex to pacify these feelings. There are hundreds of other feelings involved. All are an emotional response and most of us (maybe not all, but most I'd guess) have them.
So, it is very possible that we have both felt a little low on confidence lately (as most of us do from time to time) and somehow we have been caught in a circle of 'feedback' as it were. I want him; I'm too shy to show it. He thinks I'm not interested, his confidence takes another knock. He's more distant, I become more convinced I'm boring and this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, and so the circle continues.
Or maybe I'm talking bollocks, but one thing is for sure; I had no idea he was feeling the way he is, even though it seemed so obvious once he told me. I've no doubt, he thought the same about me.
Maybe there, I have found the answer - the old chestnut; communication.
I think that's where we'll begin, I hope so anyway. I miss D, and how we were, but I have every faith in us and I'm sure we can fix this.
I'm not sure why I blogged all that, with no real point but it was cathartic and helped me organised the jumble of thoughts in my head. If you got this far, congratulations and thank you.
*****
This brain-fart was brought to you by Jennifer xx
See you next time x
Sunday, 31 January 2010
Long time no see! It's been a strange few months for me. Issues in my everyday life have made it difficult for me to focus on this blog and indeed, many of my online activities. I can't say I'm fully back to normal, but I am working toward that goal. I even did a tiny amount of writing the otter day - only 500 odd words, but better than nothing. I'm posting you a little preview in the hope that will encourage me to continue with the story. So with no further ado, I introduce, Claudette...Pouting as she looked back over her shoulder into the full length mirror, Claudette arched her back, pushing her buttocks out as she admired the effect in her reflected image. Far from lamenting the years gone by, she had relished the approach of her 40th birthday. During recent years she had gone through some distinct shifts in her thinking. No longer the simpering, dutiful housewife, she had rediscovered her own identity. Previous inhibitions had been discarded leaving her free to pursue only those things that truly interested her. She had new friends, and a few occasional lovers, although these days she valued her freedom over the pros and cons of a conventional relationship. Naturally the divorce had been a difficult time for her, but now here she was, to all intents and purposes, reborn.
Turning to face the mirror now, she straightened the band on her head, adjusting the plush brown furry ears to a cheeky angle. Her chestnut wavy hair cascaded down past her alabaster shoulder blades, curling at the ends to conceal the top couple of inches of the lacing to the back of her soft, chocolate brown suedette corset.
The laces were pulled in firmly, reducing her voluptuous waistline to thirty inches and pushing her full 36D breasts upwards and out. She adjusted the long fingerless glove on her left hand, the soft brown material reaching just beyond her elbow and slipped her simple silver bracelet on over the on her right arm. The effect of the jewellery over the gloves and with her perfectly French manicured nails was stunning.
Working down, she smoothed the matching chocolate suedette skirt and playfully fluffed the right layers of cream net and lace beneath it, while ensuring her stocking tops were properly secured to the suspender belt. The feel of the sumptuous material on her inner thighs proved irresistible and she slowly dragged one finger up over her smooth shaved pussy lips before reluctantly forcing herself to stop.
The skirt barely covered her plump backside and she gasped slightly at the cold of the leather as she sat on the stool to put on her boots. Deep brown suede, reaching nearly to her knees, with a silkily soft caramel fur lining, she has chosen them especially to match her outfit. The slender heel brought her up to almost six foot tall and exaggerated the sway of her curvy hips beautifully when she walked. In fact, she almost prowled, in an utterly feminine, feline way.
Her makeup was simple, the mask she added negated the need for anything more than simple black eyeliner and a fresh pink lip-gloss. Her mask was made from a brown velvet-like flocked material, cut to sweep over the bridge of her cute, upturned nose and swept upwards and outwards at the out corners of her eyes. The area around the eye holes was picked out in black and accented with tiny black crystals.
There was but one detail missing. With a smile she caressed the object delicately. The silky fir slipped through her fingers. At one end, the polished steel was cold, hard by comparison...
It's good to be back, see you all again soon xxx
Sunday, 11 October 2009
And now for something completely different...
I'm back! Yes, I'm still alive, just been dealing more with that pesky thing called real life just lately. Everything is good though, all fine and dandy really; just a little busy.
To the point in hand though...
The boys and girls over at LoveHoney are tomorrow launching a brand new product; the result of last year's design a sex toy competition. Lucky for me I happen to already have one in my possession - sent by the lovely Ruth to road test and review.
Now, I could tell you what it is and what it does.
I could tell you what I think of it, good and bad points.
I could show you a picture.
I'm not going to though. I'm just going to say it is a revolution in orgasms and you'll have to wait and see.
You can click here to learn more... don't say I'm not good to you!
I'm off to catch up on some stories I'm supposed to be writing. Sweet dreams lovelies ;) xx.
To the point in hand though...
The boys and girls over at LoveHoney are tomorrow launching a brand new product; the result of last year's design a sex toy competition. Lucky for me I happen to already have one in my possession - sent by the lovely Ruth to road test and review.
Now, I could tell you what it is and what it does.
I could tell you what I think of it, good and bad points.
I could show you a picture.
I'm not going to though. I'm just going to say it is a revolution in orgasms and you'll have to wait and see.
You can click here to learn more... don't say I'm not good to you!
I'm off to catch up on some stories I'm supposed to be writing. Sweet dreams lovelies ;) xx.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)