Tell Me Why!?!?!? (I don't like Mondays...)

Morning campers!

Today's thoughts...

Woke up this morning, all dressed up with nowhere to go, or erm, cum, as it were. (last nights plans, didn't go... well, to plan...) I lay there feeling sorry for myself and a bit silly, still in the stockings and
baby-doll I'd worn the last night. Not too worry, thought I, reaching for the drawers of goodies beneath my bed.

Now I've never subscribed to masturbation guilt before, nor have I ever really got that supposed lonely feeling afterwards. That is, until this morning. I could roll out some cliches now about how a vibrator can't cuddle you after, or a dildo wont tell you it loves you, but that's all bollocks frankly. That is not their purpose. Their job is to bring sexual pleasure and used correctly they do this extremely well. It's just that today there was something missing. A vibe can't hold me down and keep licking me even after I cum and I'm all oversensitive, until I cum all over again. A dildo wont place a hand over my mouth when it just knows I'm going to scream. Nor will it lose it with me, slamming hard into me, stretching me while muttering filth and swearing under in it's breath in my ear. It wont look at me that way while still light headed and breathless.

It was the first time a toy didn't satisfy me at all, even a bit. Yes, I came, but that made no difference. I needed more, I needed to be with someone, I needed Him. One of the most satisfying aspects of sex for me is the 'feedback' as it were - the responses from the other person. Seeing D letting go and losing it is the single most erotic thing in my life.   If that happens, but I didn't cum, it would be a better, more satisfying experience than if I came, but he didn't , or I came alone.  I love my man to come in my mouth, or over me, I love watching him get off.  If I don't come, it's OK, there is always next time (though, being lucky old me, this is a rarity ;p)

And yet, I have a large selection of toys, which I use all the time perfectly happily, so why the let down now?

I believe it's because lately, there has been a gear shift in my sex life.  Whereas the toys were once a fab addition to a fantastic sex life, or a stop-gap between lovers,  lately they are playing a bigger role than my lover.  And that, is the rub - if you'll excuse the expression.

Now it is not that the sex isn't amazing - it is, when it happens.  Also, despite a decline lately there is still enough of it.  Something has gone awry though, which is hard to put my finger on, but leads me well into my next rant/pondering/brain fart....

In confidence.

Con-fi-dence     [kon-fi-duhns]


-noun

1.  Belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities; self-confidence;self-reliance; assurance: His lack of confidence defeated him.

2.  In confidence, as a secret or private matter, not to be divulged or communicated to others; with belief in a person's sense of discretion: I told him in confidence.

I have lost my mojo.  There I said it.  While never 100% happy in my body and hardly a screaming extrovert, I have also been comfortable in my sexuality.  Now I'm not really sure what has happened, but I have lost that.  I couldn't even really say when it happened, it just slipped away.

My sexuality is not straight forward (who's is?).  I am for the most part a very submissive person in bed, yet I have strong dominant streak which seems to randomly flare up from time to time.  

I don't like to attach a label to myself, while I suppose I would be labelled bi, I always knew I'd spend my life with a man.  Maybe this is because I am very maternal and want (and now have) a family, or maybe it is more than that, yet I know I will always miss being with a woman.   This highlights another complexity in me.  I have always been open to the idea of others involved in my relationships, a was involved in that some years ago.  Whether on a casual or more long term basis.  My ex partner felt differently and I respected that.  Now I am with someone who has also considered these things and wouldn't you know it?  I have become insanely jealous at even the thought of it.

I take pride in my independence.  I hate to appear needy and need to know I can cope alone if and when I need to - it helps me sleep at night and gives me a feeling of self-worth.  Yet I crave the security I feel when I am around D.  He makes me feel safe and brings out my vulnerable side, both in the bedroom and in our everyday lives. 

I have all manner of filthy little things going through my mind at any given time.  I also feel totally at ease with D, so why is it, I freeze up these days when it comes to initiating anything or asking for what I want?

Why do I feel so damned sexy one second, then the next so repulsive  just want to hide under a blanket and cry?

Now, there are some issues in our relationship which go some way in explaining, but those are not for me talk about here, it's between us, I'm sure you'll respect that.  However, they don't go all the way to explaining what's going on with me at the moment.

I have been feeling unattractive and boring for while now, and assumed any cooling off between D and I to be because of this - the weight gain, my tiredness etc.  I  assumed my lack of confidence / shyness had made me dull and boring to him.  Maybe to some extent that is true.  We're both only human after all.

However, D did say something to me that I have given a lot of thought to.  He feels the same way as me.  He feels he has lost his confidence.  This, initially surprised me, although with hindsight (20/20 as always) I can see how his behaviour is not all that different from my own.

So now I have a chicken and egg question to figure out.  Did my loss of confidence and ability to express how much I want him cause this?  Or was it the other way round.  Was it a mutual thing brought on my other issues in our lives or merely coincidence?

Another thing to consider is this: We are all responsible for our own confidence and reactions.  The theory goes;

'No-one can make you feel inferior /un-sexy / boring (whatever) without your consent.  They may act or talk a certain way, but you have the power to reject those suggestions. '

Now, all good and well in theory but we're dealing with human emotions here.  For many of us  it is extremely difficult not shake off those negative comments people make or our assumptions about the negative ways people see us  (often all in our heads).

I find it difficult to separate sex and emotions.  I'm not just talking about love, jealousy and security.  Even people who are quite happily having casual sex with no NSA often have a emotional response - they may feel attractive because of their lifestyle.  They may feel fear at the thought of settling down.  Some may actually feel lonely deep down and are using sex to pacify these feelings.  There are hundreds of other feelings involved.  All are an emotional response and most of us (maybe not all, but most I'd guess) have them.

So, it is very possible that we have both felt a little low on confidence lately (as most of us do from time to time) and somehow we have been caught in a circle of 'feedback' as it were.  I want him; I'm too shy to show it.  He thinks I'm not interested, his confidence takes another knock.  He's more distant, I become more convinced I'm boring and this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, and so the circle continues.

Or maybe I'm talking bollocks, but one thing is for sure; I had no idea he was feeling the way he is, even though it seemed so obvious once he told me.  I've no doubt, he thought the same about me.

Maybe there, I have found the answer - the old chestnut; communication.  

I think that's where we'll begin, I hope so anyway.  I miss D, and how we were, but I have every faith in us and I'm sure we can fix this.

I'm not sure why I blogged all that, with no real point but it was cathartic and helped me organised the jumble of thoughts in my head.  If you got this far, congratulations and thank you.


*****

This brain-fart was brought to you by Jennifer xx

See you next time x